My ex and I – What do we want?

Dear Karin,

My Ex

I’ve been sleeping with my little boys daddy for just over a year now. We split up before our little boy was born.

Today he asked, if I think our sex has changed. And when I said, yes it feels more loving, he told me that’s a good thing.

And now I’m confused. Is he telling me he likes me again?

I don’t wanna ask him in case I look silly and I don’t wanna ruin what we have.

ley-j

(2nd June 2019)

Dear ley-j,

Thanks for writing in and explaining a bit about what’s happening. I hope I understood it all correctly and can assist you in working things out a bit.

1. I suggest you ask yourself the following questions and see what answers you come up with.

First time around

Why did you and your ex get together in the first place? And why did you split up? What were the reasons? And how did you feel about it?

What, if anything, has change since you split up before your son was born? Do the reasons for the split still apply? If so, why do you sleep together?

Now

After splitting up, why did you both decide to sleep together? I assume you both decided?

In the subject heading of your email you refer to him as your ex? Does it feel like that – the past? Do you want him to remain your ex, but maintain some closeness, but without the commitment of a relationship?

Loving

You say that sex has changed and is more loving. Who is more loving? You, him or you both?

Were you loving towards each other before?

What kind of loving do you need, and are you prepared to give?

Liking

You are not sure whether he ‘likes’ you. What do you mean by ‘liking’ – fancying, trusting, loving, having ‘good sex’, wanting to commit to, wanting to have a relationship etc?

Does this also mean it is possible, he has sex with you, but does not like you? If so, what is that like for you? Why are you with someone when you don’t know whether they like you?

Do you like him?

And if you like each other, is it in the same way?

Losing

You are afraid to lose what you have got. What do you have with him right now? And exactly what are you afraid of losing?

And is what you have now got good enough? Is it what you want and need in life, from a relationship?

Your son

What is it like for your son to see his parents ‘together’, when there is so much unclarity and uncertainty? What does that make him feel like and what does it model to him about how people are with each other?

2. In Summary

There seems to be a lot of unclarity. It is important for you to know what you want, and whether your ex is the right person to give you what you want and need.

While I understand your worries about not wanting to make a mistake, not having clarity about feelings and intentions, runs the risk of making a mistake, too.

You both may invest time and emotions in something that neither of you want, or something that does not work out. And ultimately this may take time away from living your lives in a way that is more suitable.

And then there is also the responsibility you both have towards your child.

I would suggest that you are clear about what you want and need and do not avoid getting clarity from him.

That’s the responsible thing to do, for you both. It would not be silly at all, it would be mature and reasonable.

I hope these thoughts are of some assistance and I wish you well.

Very best.

Karin

(16th June 2019)