Thanks for writing in and explaining it all in detail. I hope I understood it all correctly.
I cannot tell you what I think might have happened or what I think you should do, or not. Neither can I second-guess the feelings, thoughts and motivations of the other person involved.
However, I am happy to tell you a bit about what came up for me reading your story. And the kind of questions I would ask. Perhaps that can assist you in working it out.
If we break it into two sections:
The most recent episode:
You don’t know how he feels and you have not told him how you feel. But at the same time neither of you are intend on a serious relationship. Yet you would like to know what he feels (if anything) and wonder what it might be like, if he knew what you feel.
It sounds bit ambivalent. I think you need to work out what you want, and what telling him vs not telling him will do for you. Can you walk away from this with/out asking and explaining?
From what you are describing he is making choices about not spending time with you. We don’t know what his motives may be, or not. But it is sending a message, I suspect, which we sometimes may find difficult to hear and to accept.
On another level, sometimes one or both parties can re-kindle something because consciously or unconsciously they are seeking some kind of closure, that they feel they did not get first time around. It could also be about sense-checking whether the original decision was the right one. Or it’s just one of those things.
It’s also worth thinking about, that if we carry guilt for what we did in the past, then we may be drawn back to the person, because we may want to make it up to them. Even if we have nothing (or not a lot) to feel guilty for.
Sometimes we have to learn to accept our own decisions and choices, even if it feels a bit uncomfortable.
The first episode / relationship:
To what extend is what has happened representative or not of other relationship experiences – taking it up to a point and then ending it? Having the scary feeling? Is there a pattern or was this a one off?
Perhaps your intuition was telling you something, and you are not yet clear what that might have been about? Or as you said, you were too young?
If it was fear, then fear of what? Commitment, losing someone, being abandoned (and then we may do the abandoning first in order to avoid the pain of being dropped?) … Has this happened to you before, being abandoned?
How would you have handled the past knowing what you know now, about life, yourself and him – now that you are older?
Ultimately, you need to decide what you want in your life, now, love or friendship? Respective and irrespective of him?
Sometimes, when that is confusing and hard, we hope others will do it for us. That might not be fair.
If you think what’s going on may be a pattern across relationships and affects your life and happiness, then it may be worth investing in some counselling to work it through.
I hope these thoughts are of some assistance, Nicole, and I wish you well.
(8th May 2019)